I remember thinking, “if he would just change (this), or if he would do (that). THEN, I will be happy and will stop thinking about getting a divorce.” Well, let me tell you, I am blessed with a husband who changed almost instantly. Yes, there were still issues we had to work through, but he instantly started trying and making changes. The thing is… it didn’t change my mind. He was fighting and I was still ready to divorce. That’s when I realized this very important lesson.
We look to others to make changes, we think they need to be “fixed,” they need to act how we want them to and say the things we want them to say. We disregard the fact that we play a part in the relationship and that maybe there are things that we need to change. We don’t consider that maybe it’s not the marriage or our husband that is making us unhappy, maybe it is something within us. Maybe, just maybe, we are the ones that need the work… the personal work.
As I said above, even though he made changes and I could see him trying, I wanted out. I originally thought that if I got divorced I would instantly be happier. The truth is, there was *crap* that I needed to work through. My biggest realization was that I was not being myself and I blamed it on my husband.
I have never been one who enjoyed confrontation (seriously, who does?). I would avoid it at all costs – and it was almost at the cost of my marriage. I thought that if I share my true thoughts, my true feelings, who I really am, then I would cause an argument.. maybe he wouldn’t love me and would decide I wasn’t the one for him. Ultimately, leading to divorce. Ironic, right?
But, what ended up happening is that I started to feel less and less like myself. I started to feel like what I wanted and needed didn’t matter. I started resenting him for “changing me.” The truth is, he didn’t do any of those things!! I made myself believe I would cause issues by being myself. I made myself feel that what I needed/wanted didn’t matter. The truth is, he wanted me to be happy. I just shrank into myself so much that he didn’t even know what would make me happy.
So, I started focusing on figuring out who I was and allowing myself to show that freely. Guess what! My husband was welcoming, he accepted me, he encouraged me, and he loved me. I started to feel happier. I started to feel accepted and loved in my marriage. A deeper connection started to build because I started tearing down the walls that I built between us.
My marriage wasn’t the only part of my life that benefited from this. My confidence started to build, I could make decisions easier because I was honest about what I wanted and what I needed, which led to more fulfillment. Through the dark skies of our marriage, a more beautiful version of myself emerged leading to reconciliation and deeper love in my marriage.